Oh, Computer, you know how I like it

Sometimes when you are good at what you do, you run out of things to do.  There was a time when there was too much work for one person; I skipped lunch and stayed late to get everything done.  Now on some days  we have to scrape the bottom of the work barrel to find something--anything--that remotely resembles work to do.


Yesterday, I had to do just that:


Me: "So after you left last night, I spent, like, 45 minutes organizing the work folders on my computer.  There was a lot to go through."

Emerson: "Well, at least you were seductive."

Me: "...Seductive?"

Emerson: "Productive."

Me: "Oh." (laughter) "Yes, I was very seductive to my computer."

Sure glad we caught that sloth

This does not count as a typo, as it was so promptly corrected that it can't possibly matter.  But the slip-up and ensuing mental image was just too good to pass up.

"Almost every time you buy new eyeshadow or powder, you also get stuck with tiny sloth-covered applicators that last for a month or so if you're lucky."

Make sure you read reeeeeaaaaally carefully to catch it.  Got it?  Now, for your viewing pleasure, here's what I think of when I read this sentence:

Kristin Bell would be proud.

Ladies of the World, Toast Yourselves

There's a new kind of swimsuit making its way into shopping carts all over the world: the tan-through bikini.

Most manufacturers recommend that you apply sunscreen underneath the bikini fabric, which, to Emerson and me, just sounds like they're asking for skin cancer and awkward moments.  We have to make it sound like a great idea that will solve all your pasty-white issues.  What do you think of our write-up so far?

Don't you hate it when your toaster blackens half of your toast and leaves the other half only mildly squishy?  The same thing happens when you lay out in a regular swimsuit.  But if you get a magical tan-through bikini, the only thing you'll have to worry about is getting sunscreen in all those hard-to-reach places.  That and being followed by admirers who want to lather your perfectly toasted body with butter.

Did we mention that it's a one-size-fits-all bikini?  Yeah, that's a fantastic idea.  

What would you do?

Discussing a laser hair removal service, we decide it would be interesting to see if they would perform hair removal on the head. You know, for the hell of it. Because we're weird. 

Miss M: If you could have something permanently etched into your head, what would it be? 

Daisy: I rock. Duh. 

So we're all going to go get things carved into our skulls now. 

Rollie chair

Fifteen minutes ago we were supposed to have a really important meeting about some new website functions for which we Creatives need to create a fancy how-to.  He Who Shall Not Be Named walked on our office, smiled, and then walked away to talk to Joe Bob about cigarettes.

So now Emerson and I are pretending we're at an awkward meeting where the only two people who showed up are the people who have no idea what the meeting is for.  Oh, wait.  We're not pretending. 

While exchanging varying looks of amusement, the writers have become restless.  Thus this snazzy piece of real life, courtesy of Emerson the Eloquent and created during the awkwardness that is fifteen minutes of wondering what the heck we're supposed to be doing:

"I has a rollie chair!  I'm gonna roll everywhere!"

In other reminiscent news, I can remember a day a few months ago when Helga forgot a meeting with the boss man.  She got in major-duper-awful trouble.  Interesting, non?

Maybe I will make up the instructions and we won't need a meeting at all. 

Too Fast

When I was headed out to lunch today, the Jimmy John's guy had just delivered some goods to someone on our floor.  We were leaving at the same time, walking from opposite ends of the hall to the elevators. It was that awkward moment when you're facing a stranger and don't know if you should smile or nod or ignore them or what.

So he did what any normal person would do: sprint the final three steps to push the button before I could.

Before I could do anything, I burst out laughing.  How could you not?  He's a Jimmy John's slave--he's supposed to be quick, right?  He was only doing his job. Still... I really missed pushing that button.

Attention all cannibals

There's this thing about thinking and typing at the same time.  Sometimes it works REALLY well.  Then there are the times when I look back at something and all I can think is, well, whatever laughter sounds like when it's just in your head.

Take this choice piece of text, for example (courtesy of yours truly):


"Sink your teeth into a choice piece of meat, plus a heaping helping of your choice of side, like friends."


While I would definitely say that friends should be good enough to eat, it's probably better that you refrain from doing so.  Once you eat one, you just can't stop.

Enunciate!

What I said: "I'm avoiding the horn thing"

What the Head Hamster thought I said: "I'm avoiding the porn thing."

Guess we know who's got a gutter mind now!

I Do Not Want to be an Apostrophe

So, first off, we're kind of grammar-freaks here at the Hamster Wheel. As in, "Please use your dang apostrophes correctly and, no, we will not add them where they aren't needed!"

We were dealing with one of our clients the other day and he requested we add apostrophes to words such as pencils, aliens, and anacondas. In case you didn't know, apostrophes aren't used to make anything plural, just possessive. So, this guy really wanted to say "belonging to pencils, aliens and anacondas." Which doesn't really make sense.

To that we say:

IMPORTANT

This is very important.  Just as important, say, as I am.  At least, that's what I yelled to the entire office as Emerson left for the day.

...I definitely should have expected someone to respond.  That happens, you know, when you yell things.  People tend to, oh, you know, say something in return.

"I am important!" I yelled.  "I provide essential services to this company!"

"No, you don't," Cheese Nips yelled back.



Huh.  Guess I'm not so important after all.  Or maybe Cheese Nips is just a turd.  (Except not, because we like Cheese Nips.  Both the human and the edible, delicious snack).





P.S. Emerson thinks she's more important! Hah! (yeah, I hijacked the keyboard. Mwahaha)

The Cheesiest

E: What do you think of when you think of "supreme?"

M: Nachos.

E: I can't use nachos in this piece.

M: Nachos. So much nachos.

E: Filled with nachos. Huh.